Thursday, December 16, 2010

"Frustrated" is the Word of the Day

I feel frustrated. My mind is busy with 101 things that I need to do – yet I know I don’t have enough time to do it all.

If you don’t know this about me yet, let me just warn you that I tend to be very much task oriented. If there are things to do, I sure have a list that helps me plan everything and I tend to think about that list until everything is complete and crossed out. This system helps me be organized. It allows me to stay on top of things. However, this system can also become my Master. In other words, I become its slave. And here is where life gets messy.

For the past year, John and I have talked about how we wanted this Christmas to be peaceful and restful. We planned on taking time to thank God for the gift of Jesus and prepare to celebrate his birth with hearts full of joy. We planned on not becoming too busy.

We planned and planned and planned. And here I am frustrated with the many things we once again have going on.

Knowing there is too much to do and little time to accomplish it all, I become a little robot – trying to do as much possible, as fast as possible. Meanwhile, I neglect my relationship with God and John. The things that should be a priority don’t even make it to the task list.

John shared with me on our drive to work this morning that he feels like he is not important enough to be part of my list. Hearing him say that hurt. It hurt badly because I am trying so hard to do my best in 100 different areas of life. But in the middle of my hurt, I can’t blame him for feeling the way he feels.

Knowing that I need to make time to have quality time with John, I struggle letting go of my list. After all, if I don’t do the things on the list, no one else will. Do you see my dilemma? I try so hard to do everything…but I know that I can’t do it all. But I still try. And I get frustrated.

That is pretty much how I feel right now.

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