Wednesday, February 23, 2011

If it wasn’t for Facebook…

I realized this week that I learn a lot of things about people thanks to Facebook. I don’t really have time to be a Facebook stalker – but I don’t even have to. All I need to do is log in and take a quick look at my mini-feed.
If it wasn’t for Facebook I wouldn’t know:
·        Who had a horrible day
·        Who had a great day
·        Who is going out for dinner
·        Who hates the rain
·        Who is looking forward to the weekend
·        Who will be working over the weekend
·        Who is trying to get pregnant
·        Who is looking for cheap pregnancy tests
·        Who is pregnant
·        Who lost their baby
·        Who is going on vacation
·        Who is engaged
·        Who is in a relationship
·        Who is no longer in a relationship
·        Who has an iphone
·        Who is unemployed
·        Who just got a job
·        Who hates their job
·        Who is studying for tests
·        Who buys cloth diapers
·        Who buys disposable diapers
·        Who is potty training their child
·        Who is sick
·        Who is saving water by showering with their significant other
·        Who needs a break
·        Who hates their parents
·        Who can’t wait for the summer
·        Who is excited for a date
Believe me, this list is not comprehensive! It seems to me that if it wasn’t for Facebook, I wouldn’t know anything about anyone. On the other hand, because of Facebook I know too many things I wish I didn’t know.

Perhaps I should pay more attention to the things I post as well. I wonder what kinds of things others find out about me through Facebook.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Raw Emotion

My last post was far from what one might call romantic…and because today is Valentine’s Day, I thought I should brighten up the mood a little bit.
What I wrote in my last post was exactly what I felt in my heart last week – and I am not used to verbalizing what is in my heart. I am definitely not used to sharing those raw feelings in my blog, but I did it because that was reality in that moment. I shared a very private and vulnerable part of me because I think sometimes it is easy to write about the easy (pretty) parts of life while leaving out the not so romantic parts. And believe me, no one’s life is pretty and romantic all the time – after all, we are all human beings.
Last week was a hard week for me and I felt alone. I missed John.
I believe that the loneliness I felt was not only a result of being far away from John, but also the result of not being close to God.
I forgot to lean on God and all of the sudden I realized that I was relying on no one but myself to get me through the week.
Since that last post, John and I have had a wonderful talk about how I felt alone and bitter. I do not blame him for being away. We both knew this time apart was coming and John has done nothing to hurt me or make me feel ‘not taken care of.’ I realize that this time apart is also very hard for John – and I am very thankful he can handle it better than me (otherwise we would be a complete mess!)
I am working on relying more on God and letting Him fill my heart with joy during this hard time in life.
See what great love the Father has lavished on us,
that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
I John 3:1

P.S. John and I had a great weekend together and I am so glad I get to have him as my valentine every day of my life. I am blessed!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A Hug From Jesus

Have you ever felt the need to be hugged and loved? I think pretty much every human being has experienced that need. I have that need multiple times a week and there is nothing better than to feel someone’s touch and to hear their voice proclaim that you are loved.
That is what I long for at this exact moment – and I am finding it very unfortunate that I am also alone.  There is no one here to hug me and tell me that I am loved. Although I KNOW that I am loved by many. But being alone right now feels very… lonely.
There are a lot of things going on in life that are crowding my brain. From experience, I can tell you that it is very hard to explain your feelings in a logical and clear manner when you have a crowded brain. However, trying to explain your feelings in a logical and clear manner when you have a crowded brain while talking on the phone - is just a recipe for disaster. Yup, that just happened to me.
I drove home today feeling somewhat bitter about being alone. I miss living life with another person. I miss being taken care of. I miss being part of a team and I feel like I am my only teammate at the moment – and I am not doing a very good job at being a teammate.
I drove home wanting a hug!
I tried to explain all these things (plus more) to John over the phone and instead of feeling loved, I said good night while feeling even more frustrated. Frustrated that I had to repeat everything I said because his only response was “what?” (Probably because I was not being clear). Frustrated that I have to tell him what I have been up to – because he isn’t living life with me. Frustrated that he couldn’t give me a hug!
As I sat on my bedroom floor (my phone was charging and I couldn’t unplug it from the wall while talking to John) quiet with the phone in my hand, I realized that at that very moment I had no one but Jesus – and I really wanted Him to give me a hug and tell me that He is here – tell me that I am not alone.
I was reminded of the song: None but Jesus
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

I sang this song as the tears ran down my cheeks. I sang it with my heart and soul because I realized that in a way I have relied on John to be my source of love – but John is no Jesus and only Jesus can be the lover of my soul. Only Jesus promises never to leave; only Jesus can take away the loneliness and quiet the storm in me. I am very thankful that He is here with me!

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Perfect Super Bowl Weekend (Minus the Super Bowl)

After being apart from John for a whole week, all I wanted to do was glue myself to him when he came home Friday night. I felt like a child feels the night before Christmas when the tree is decorated and the gifts are falling over one another – the anticipation is almost too great and sleep seems to vanish.

This past Friday I received the gift of being with John and this was no small gift! I had worked hard during the week in order to free our calendar for the weekend. I cooked like a mad woman on Thursday and as a result, we didn’t have to cook at all. We went to bed early and stayed in bed until late. We ate our traditional Saturday breakfast (scrambled eggs with feta and toast with apple butter). We lounged around the house in our pajamas and we said ‘I love you’ at least 100 times. We talked about our weeks and we finished reading a book (The Silver Chair – in case you are wondering). We went to church and skipped the super bowl game. Yup, we had the best super bowl weekend without watching the super bowl game.

And when you only have 30 hours a week to be with the person you love, the only thing you want to do is be with that person. That is exactly what we did!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hello to You!

Dear Readers,

It has been a while. How are you?

If you live anywhere in the United States with the exception of Seattle, you are probably snowed in…doing everything possible to stay warm.

Instead of waking up to snow, I woke up to clear skies and I saw the sun rise as I drove to work. The horizon looked like it was on fire - streaks of pink, orange and red surrounded mountain peaks covered in snow. The view was truly breathtaking.

Unfortunately, the rest of my day was spent in front of a computer in an office. The little portable heater kept me warm all day long and at some point, I forgot that it is still winter in the Northwest. But I was brought back into reality as I walked to my car at the end of the day. The beautiful sunshine was gone and I wished I was wearing socks. Just so you know, I was wearing really cute red flats!

My drive home was uneventful:

There was traffic – but it wasn’t horrible.

I listened to really loud music.

I talked to God like I normally talk to a person who might be sitting on the passenger seat right next to me. I asked Him to help me prioritize the things in life that really matter.

You see, I have been pretty bad about prioritizing what should be priorities. I have let the laundry, dishes, email, errands, grocery shopping…become my number one priority. I have put God and my marriage aside in order to take care of countless TO DO lists.

I mentioned in my previous post that I often wish I could add one, two or three hours to the day. However, I cannot live wishing and hoping. In reality, I cannot add a second to time and 24 hours is all I have. So, I am working on making some changes. I don’t really know how my plans are going to play out, but I want to make a commitment to let go of the things that don’t matter and devote myself to the things that do.

I want to start a devotional and remain faithful to it. I want to come home and enjoy the time I have with John. I want to go to bed before midnight and I want to get up feeling refreshed.

I want to have enough energy to actually enjoy a date night and I want every night to be date night! (Ok. I know that is not really possible, but it sure would be fun).

So, what needs to change in order for all these wishes to come to existence?

I am not exactly sure. I need to share my responsibilities with John and not try to do everything on my own. I need to trust that the world will not fall apart if I don’t wash the bathtub at least every other week. I need to be disciplined with ‘free’ time. I will have to sacrifice some things that I really enjoy – because of other things that I truly love.

As most of you have already noticed, I haven’t been writing as much as I used to. There is a part of me that becomes sad every time I look at my blog’s archive for the month of January. I managed to write five posts last month. Five posts that hardly describe the state of my current life. I wish I could say I will be writing more often from now on. But I know I can’t. It is not because I don’t have anything to say (I always have something to say) – it is because it is time for me to step away from the computer and step into the arms of my husband.
I miss him!

John recently accepted a job offer at a small software company. He has been gone for training and I can hardly wait to see him in a few days.

I miss his touch, his voice, his silliness, his hugs.

Like I said, I miss him.

And I look forward to our time together this weekend!

P.S. Although I will not be posting often, I still plan on posting. This blog has become a sort of journal for me and I enjoy having some down time to focus on what is going on in life. So, don’t quit reading :)
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